The Clearing
by Magickless Sorceress
Summary: This is after Edward left Bella. This is meant to be a parody, not serious, so don't flame me just cause it's OOC. I know its OOC, it's supposed to be! Crack.


This is a complete parody that I came up with in Texas History while learning about the Civil War (U.S.). Three words: Bored to death. We were learning about the hero of the south, Robert E. Lee, so I decided to half-listen, half-doodle. I came up with the idea for a parody.

Bella POV

I had finally found it. The meadow that…what's his name? Everett? Edward? Yeah Edward…took me to. I looked around and said, "Well, this sucks! There's no more sparklyness. The sparkly was PRETTYFUL! Why?' I sank into a fetal position and started rocking with my thumb in my mouth, when I saw something. A sparkle! "You came back!" I raced over there and threw my arms around…Laurent? He stiffened, then looked down. A predatory look came into his eyes. 

"Like, OMC! No way! Laurent! I'm like, so totally not scared of you, even though you wanted to drink my blood the minute you met me, and the fact that your eyes are red which means you still drink human blood and the glint in your eyes should tell me that I should be freaked out right now!" 

He asked delicately, "Oh-em-see? (OMC) What does that mean?"

I launched into an explanation. "OMC! Oh my Carlisle! Since Edward is a perfect angel, and God created angels, and Carlisle created Edward, into a vampire, so God is Carlisle. That and every one of the Cullens woke up, saw Carlisle, and thought he was God."

Right then, all the Cullens charged into the clearing. 

Edward saw me, and said, "OMC! Emmett! You were right? Bella WAS cheating on me with Lorrent!"

In the background Laurent was saying, "Hey! It's Laurent! Not Lorrent!" but no one was paying attention to him.

Alice was saying, "OMC! My freakishly random vision that I had while I was buying Gucci shoes in Volterra, Italy, where nobody from the Volturi even noticed I was there because they were playing Barbie Dress-up came true!" 

Laurent went all like, "OMG! I MEAN OMC! Was Barbie Dress-up on May 19th? Or was it Barbie-as-the-Island-Princess Dress-up, which was coincidentally the same day that Edward left Bella, which is also coincidentally yesterday! I loooooove doing that!"

Carlisle said, "WILL EVERY HUMAN AND VAMPIRE AND POSSIBLY WEREWOLF/FAIRY HYBRID STOP SAYING OMC! It's derogatory, and I will not stand for it!"

Jasper pointed out, "But Carlisle, you're sitting down on that huge, conveniently placed rock!" Edward quipped, "And you just said 'OMC!' yourself!" Carlisle, Edward, and Jasper got into an argument- "WE ARE HAVING A HEATED DISCUSSION! NOT AN ARGUMENT!" -okay, scratch that. They got into a _heated discussion_ while Emmett was chanting 'Fight, fight, FIGHT!' over and over again. Rosalie whacked his head, and said, "Emmett, that's not right! You're supposed to say 'CATFIGHT!' (or possibly 'GIRLFIGHT!') at the top of you're lungs, then start humming the Mission Impossible theme song while smashing a pie which is filled with kitty blood into your sister's face! And I'm not your sister, I'm your wife." While Emmett zoomed around getting those items and learning said theme song, Alice went off into a rant about kitty blood. "Kitties! Harmless kitties! I know their blood tastes irrationally good, which I knew from the first time I drank it, which was the thirteenth day I was a vampire which was May 19th and my birthday!" 

We all stared at her, until Emmett came back doing all the things Rosalie told him to do. He threw the kitty-blood-pie in Alice's face. Scarily, she gobbled it up, heedless of the pie crust, until Emmett saw us, and asked, "What happened?" 

Stephenie Meyer, who was, coincidentally, in Forks, in La Push, in Jake's house, reading fanfictions, screamed bloodcurdlingly. It was a scream of pure fear, madness, terror, happiness, joy, and harmonious with the shrieks coming from Edward and Bella's clearing, where everyone had gotten into a huge argument about whether Stephenie Meyer would like this or not. She stormed down over there in Jake's Rabbit, and when they said in unison, "What smells like werewolf? Wait, Bella, you can't smell werewolf…" she said, "This fanfiction is bloody brilliant!" Carlisle said, "I didn't know you're English!" "I'm not!"

They all decided to go to La Bella Italia and get the special of the day, W.E.R.E.W.O.L.F. B.L.O.O.D., which stands for wickedly-exciting-really-evil-wolfishly-old-leering-foxy-blonde-like-ooky-or-death. (Except Alice, who went to the Port Angeles pet store and threw her credit cards at the cashier for all the kitties there, then decided what the heck and went back and got all the puppies too.)

I have no comment on this. No comment what-so-freaking-ever. This was plain weird. R and R to tell me how weird it really was on a scale of 1 to 10! 10 being 'weirdest', and 1 being 'this is so boring, I've read this already!' I guess… Whatever.

PS If anyone has read/written and IMing stories, like where the Cullens find AIM, or something, R/R or PM me and tell me please!


End file.
